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Title: Thirty Lines Rating: PG-13 Summary: When Sirius suddenly… - 30 Pickups [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
30 Pickups

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[May. 12th, 2006|06:43 am]
30 Pickups


[Current Mood |bouncybouncy]

Title: Thirty Lines
Rating: PG-13
Summary: When Sirius suddenly decides he wants Remus to be his ‘strumpet of love’, Remus’ sixth year at Hogwarts inexplicably turns into a haze of confusion, raw lust, and really bad pickup lines. [SiriusRemus]
Author: otempora01
Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, there would be, like, no dispute over whether or not Remus and Sirius were/are gay with each other. Oh, and Tonks in love with Remus? That would go in my trash compactor, okay?
Author’s Note: Written for the 30 Pickups Contest/Challenge. Basically, you were supposed to choose one of the thirty pickup lines and use it in a fanfiction. But I couldn’t decide between them so I decided to use ‘em all. I hope that’s alright. Part I contains the first fifteen (can you spot ‘em?) and Part II, when I get to it, will contain the second fifteen.


PART I - You Top My List Of Things To Do


Remus was doomed.

Any normal boy would be terrified at coming to such a realization, but Remus John Lupin was not any normal boy. That, added to the fact that he’d known he was doomed from the moment he’d even heard the name Sirius Black, led to the extreme amount of calm was feeling.

Thus, instead of panicking as Sirius slithered into the room, much like a snake would, with a mischievous spark in his eye, a smirk on his lips, and locking the dorm room door behind him, Remus merely set down his book on Hungarian Horntails and cocked an eyebrow.

“Sirius, what are you—”

“Remus,” Sirius interrupted, his smug look immediately being replaced with a mournful one. He blinked slowly, looking up at Remus through long lashes and an even longer fringe. “I miss my teddy bear. Can I sleep with you?”

Remus blinked. “What?

“I said—”

“Sirius,” Remus said, more than a little confused. “You don’t have a teddy bear. You had a blanket. Named Boinkie. And Bellatrix burned it. And so you transfigured her rag doll into a rat, which ended up becoming her new pet. You told me that Third Year, remember?”

Sirius stared at him blankly.

“And anyway,” Remus continued, picking up his book again. “You’re always jumping into my bed uninvited, so I don’t see why you’re actually asking now. And rather pathetically, too, I might add.”

There was silence from the other boy in the room, so Remus deemed it safe to continue reading. He was just getting into the mating habits of Hungarian Horntails when Sirius spoke again. And much closer than he had been before.

“So, hey, wow,” The dark haired boy said in what seemed, to Remus, to be exaggerated awe as he ran his fingers along Remus’ shirt. “Is this cotton?”

Remus found himself blinking in confusion for the second time that day. What on earth was wrong with Sirius? Sure, he knew his best friend was a tad bit eccentric (if by a tad, one meant innately), but this was pushing it, even for him. “Um. Actually, it’s polyester. And identical to the shirt you’re—” Remus stopped abruptly as Sirius’ hand slid down his shirt and stopped directly on his crotch.

“Then this must be felt!” Sirius practically purred, looking at Remus devilishly. With his hand on Remus’ crotch.

Remus’ eyes widened to almost comic size. His cheeks immediately flushed with embarrassment – or anger or indignation or some emotion he’d identify once Sirius. Moved. His. Hand.

Bad touch!” Remus cried, shoving his friend away from him and scrambling to the other side of the bed. “Bad Sirius!”

Sirius looked like he was about to say something else – explain himself most likely – but Remus’ heart rate was through the roof and he was afraid he was going to start hyperventilating or, worse, babbling and so, without another word, he ran over to the door, unlocked it, and tore out of the room.

James and Peter were sitting in the common room, Peter scribbling something down on a piece of parchment and James flipping through a book that Remus didn’t recognize as being for any one of their classes.

Without stopping to ponder the sheer absurdity of such a thing, Remus just hurried past them, intent on going outside and maybe dunking his head in the lake until he forgot about this. Or lost consciousness. Or both.

“Oi! Moony!” He heard James call just as he was about to go through the portrait hole. “Hold on a minute, would you?”

Remus hesitated, then reluctantly stopped and turned to face his friend. James eyed him for a moment, then grinned.

“Moony, are you aware there is a tent in your trousers I am fairly sure is not being caused by your wand?”

Remus didn’t even have to look down to confirm that that was true. That was part of the reason he’d wanted to dunk his head in the lake. Cold water equaled good.

“Yes, I’m inclined to think there is,” Remus replied, rather calmly if he did say so himself. “And I was going to go do something about that before you stopped me.”

James whistled, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. “Didn’t know you had it in you, Moony, old boy. Though I don’t know why you have to leave to do it. It’s not like any of us haven’t wanked off in the privacy of our own beds before.”

Any semblance of calm Remus had managed to collect fell apart in an instant as his face flushed bright red and he began stammering. “I w-wasn’t… that’s not… it isn’t… Prongs!” Remus finished desperately.

James snickered, holding up his hands in a surrendering gesture. “Hey, a boy’s gotta do what a boy’s gotta do, yeah?”

Remus spotted Sirius stomping forlornly down the stairs to the common room and blanched. “Er, right, well, must dash. Have, er, boy-type things to do. Yes. Bye.” Then, with as much manliness as he could muster, Remus turned and fled.

It was almost impossible, Remus discovered, to avoid someone when you had the same friends, the same classes, and, especially, if you slept in the same room.

In fact, Operation Avoid Sirius was foiled from day one, when Remus awoke early (to try to sneak out and go down to the Great Hall and have breakfast early and… and… well, okay, that was as far as he’d gotten) only to find Sirius sitting at the edge of his bed, staring at him.

Remus stared back. “Er…”

Sirius must have read something in his expression because his emotionless look faded and he gave Remus a lopsided grin. “Morning, Moony.”

“Er…” Obviously, eloquence was not his forte at the moment. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Sirius, what—”

“You look positively adorable when you’re sleeping, you know that, mate?” Sirius asked as though they were discussing the weather. “But I’ve been meaning to ask you something.”

Remus squinted at his watch. “At… six o’clock in the morning?”


“Oh. Well. What?”

Sirius smirked. “Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It's like a French kiss, but down under…”

Remus choked on his own spit.

Concerned, Sirius helped Remus up into a sitting position and began clapping him on the back as James and Peter began to stir from sleeping, the former yawning loudly and obnoxiously as he sat up and groped for his glasses, the latter letting out a half-snort half-yawn before clapping a pillow over his head.

Once Remus could breathe properly again, he snapped his head around to stare at Sirius. “What are you—why are you—”

“I think it’s rather obvious, Moony,” Sirius said, ignoring the fact that they now had an audience. “I am courting you.”

“C… Courting me?” Remus squeaked.

“Yes. Courting.” Sirius leaned forward until their noses bumped together lightly. “I am going to turn you into my little strumpet of love.”

Despite his shock, Remus, ever the English teacher, looked indignant. “Sirius, you realize of course that you just called me a prostitute. A female prostitute.”

“Don’t change the subject, Moony.”

“If anybody’s the slut here, Pads, it’s you.” James interjected helpfully from his place on his bed.

Sirius didn’t take his eyes off Remus as he reached behind him to flip James the bird. “I'm not a slut. I'm just that popular.” He leered suggestively at Remus. “Wanna fuck me and be the big man on campus?”

Remus frowned. “Excuse me. I’m going to go brush my teeth.”

Moony,” He heard Sirius whine from behind him, but he didn’t dare turn around. To be honest, he was afraid of what he’d do if he did.

Remus pressed his head against the shower walls and closed his eyes as he let the water run over him. He’d intended on just brushing his teeth, but he hadn’t felt like going back into the bedroom just yet, so taking a shower seemed like a pretty good option. He needed time to sort out his thoughts. And, boy, was he having a lot of thoughts.

He was a simple boy, Remus Lupin. He didn’t ask for much. Just sense and order. He liked it when things made sense. He liked it when things were orderly. He liked schedules and knowing where things were and planning things out and books and words and sense.

But, when it came to Sirius Black, nothing ever made sense.

His feelings for Sirius, those made sense. He’d already had time to examine, cross-examine, analyze and accept why he’d watched his best friend stuff an entire length of bread into his mouth at once and had found himself inexplicably turned on by the sight. He’d had all of Fifth Year, and the summer between then and now, to accept that. He was in love with Sirius. That was fine.

Sirius, on the other hand, had shown no indication that he was gay, much less in love with Remus. Well, other than his odd behavior over the past few days and his sudden shocking statement. Remus didn’t know whether to think that Sirius was kidding around or…

No, that was pretty much what he thought. Because, honestly. ”Wanna fuck me and be the big man on campus?” What was wrong with him? Merlin.

“Moony, are you having a wank in there?” Sirius voice wafted in from the other side of the door. Remus ignored the sound of muffled snickering that was no doubt coming from James and Peter. “Moony.”

Sighing, Remus turned off the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist, stomping towards the door and opening it before fixing his friends with a glare. “What?”

Sirius took a moment to rake his eyes over Remus’ body – an act which made the shorter boy turn a very interesting shade of pink – before grinning and meeting Remus’ eyes. “You’ve been bad, Moony. Go to my room.”

Remus promptly shut the door in his face.

Moony!” That voice was definitely the sort of whine only Sirius Black was capable of.

Oi, Remus, we’d like to take a shower, too, you know!” And that indignant, yet amused voice was James.

“I’d prefer to take mine with you, Moony. You wash my back and I wash yours and whatnot.” Definitely Sirius.

“Is he really wanking in there?” That had to be Peter.

Remus turned the shower on higher and proceeded to stay in the shower until his friends had left and his skin was wrinkled before sneaking down to his first class.

Rather than being angry with him for locking them out of the shower and thus making them live in germ-filled splendor (something that didn’t bother them as much as it should), James and Sirius merely clapped him on the back when he showed up for Herbology and laughed, handing him some breakfast they’d saved.

Giving them an immensely grateful smile, he sank down into his seat next to Sirius, chewing absently on the slice of toast and studying the boy out of the corner of his eye.

Sirius’ eyes were glazed over, just the way they always got whenever somebody who wasn’t him began to talk for an extended period of time. He seemed blissfully unaware that Remus was watching him, but, being a Black and Sirius Black at that, he was probably used to being watched. And, anyway, it wasn’t as though Remus had never watched him without being caught before.

Besides, Sirius commanded attention without even trying.

Luck, however, was not on Remus’ side for, as soon as their teacher had turned his back, Sirius’ hand found his thigh and the boy was leaning over to whisper, “Baby, I'm an American Express lover... You shouldn't go home without one!” He then proceeded to run his tongue along the shell of Remus’ ear.

Oh, God…!

“Sirius, we’re in class,” Remus whispered completely without the authority a prefect should have in his voice. And without much conviction, either. “I—you can’t just say—”

Smiling serenely, Sirius removed his hand.

Remus pressed his head against his desk and inhaled deeply and sharply, trying to get his mind, and hormones, under control. What did Sirius think he was doing hitting on Remus in the middle of class? What if the teacher had seen? What if their classmates had seen? Oh, God, what if James and Peter had—

Remus’ head quickly snapped in the direction of his other two friends, but Peter, who was sitting on Remus’ other side, was too busy chewing on his quill and staring, brows furrowed, at the board, while James, who was sitting on Sirius’ other side, was fast asleep.

Thank Merlin.

As if reading his mind, Sirius snickered. “Stop being so paranoid, Moony. Nobody was watching us. Though if they wanted to, I certainly wouldn’t be adverse to the idea. I do look mighty good naked, after all.”

Remus turned bright red and didn’t reply.

“Remus,” Peter said as they walked to Arithmacy, a class Sirius and James had decided to cut for whatever reason that day. Peter had wanted to go with them, but he was failing Arithmacy, even with tutoring, so that was out of the question. “Are you really Sirius’… er… strumpet?”

Remus glared at him. “Peter, I can assure you that my manly bits are just that. Manly.”

“I know, I know,” Peter replied flatly, rolling his eyes. “I’ve seen you naked. Last time I checked, you weren’t growing breasts. I meant are you really his—”

“No,” Remus said in much the same voice. “Don’t listen to him. If we believed everything he said, he’d be falling forward all the time from that so-called ‘yardstick’ in his pants.”

Peter snickered quietly as they took their customary seats in the back and Remus couldn’t help glancing next to him to the seat where Sirius usually sat, pondering. Was Sirius really telling people that he was his strumpet? Or was Peter just talking about his announcement in the common room that morning?

And all of that still did nothing to explain, how, when, or why Sirius wanted him to be a strumpet in the first place. Let alone his.

“Merlin,” Remus muttered, resting his head against the desk for the second time that day.

Peter peered at him in concern. “Should I take you to the Hospital Wing?”

“No, I’m fine.”

“Really?” Peter asked dubiously.


Except I’ve got Siriusitis. But then, don’t we all?

Sirius didn’t let up when he and James met the two of them for dinner. In fact, the first words out of his mouth as he sat down were:

“I'm a vegetarian, but I'd make an exception for your meat.”

Remus stared at him. “Sirius, I have seen you devour an entire chicken all by yourself in less than half-an-hour so what on earth are you—” James broke out laughing, which caused Peter to crack a grin, and the wide smirk on Sirius’ face made comprehension hit Remus like a brick. He turned bright red. “PADFOOT!”

“Hm?” Sirius hummed sweetly, tearing into a turkey leg. “Something wrong, Moony?”

You’re trying to kill me. “Nothing.”

“Good, because like the hurricane said to the coconut tree: hold on to your nuts, I'm gonna give you the blow of your life!”


“…Moony… we inhale air, dear boy, not potatoes. Well,” James paused thoughtfully as Sirius pushed Remus’ up by the forehead, dragged the bowl of potatoes over to his side of the table, and then proceeded to devour them. “Unless you’re Padfoot.”

Remus groaned and buried his potato-covered face against his napkins instead. “Why are you doing this to me?”

Sirius wrinkled his nose mischievously and didn’t reply. James grinned.

“Why are you so violently resisting Pad’s advances, anyway, Moony? Can’t you see he so honestly wants—”

“To get in his pants?” Peter offered, blinking at the glare he received from all but Remus, who was far too miserable to do much but painstakingly clean his face.

No,” Sirius said shortly. “…Okay, yes, but not like that. I shameless hit on you because I love you, Moony, I assure you.”

Remus sighed. Deeply. “Okay, Padfoot.”

James clapped Peter soundly on the ear, then went back to eating his breakfast, grinning. Remus eyed him warily.

“Why are you so calm and accepting about all of this, anyway?” Remus asked, his voice turning sarcastic. “Have you and Sirius been taking long, moonlit walks while he poured out his woes about me to you and then outlined, in immense detail, exactly what he’d like to do to me, preferably while I was naked in his bed?”

“Remmy,” Sirius said in a solemn tone, looking at Remus intently. “Are you god?”

Remus blinked, then frowned. “Am I—no, of course not. What are you on about now?”

“You're not?” A look of feigned surprise. “Then why do I want to kneel down before you?”

“Because you are a nasty pervert and if you don’t shut up, I am going to take this gravy and dump it in your lap.”

Peter hid a grin behind his hand. “Better shut up, Padfoot.”

“Shutting up.” Sirius agreed easily.

Five minutes later, Remus banged his knee against the table after Sirius rubbed Remus’ leg with his foot and scared the hibbly wibblies out of the already tense boy.

By bedtime, Sirius had reduced Remus to a shaking, blushing, trembling sack of nerves. The dark-haired boy seemed to pick the most embarrassing times, and places, in order to spout out what Remus assumed he thought was ‘proper courting etiquette’.

If, “Brr! My hands are cold! Can I warm them down your pants?” and “That shirt is very becoming on you. Of course, if I were on you, I'd be cumming too” were examples of proper courting etiquette. Although, for Sirius Black, that could very well be true.

Remus eyed the curtains that were drawn up around Sirius’ bed. The boy had disappeared behind them a few minutes ago, saying something about changing for bed, though why he felt the need to announce it, Remus would never know.

James was sitting cross-legged on his bed, already changed, and writing something in the book Remus had seem him with before. Peter had already turned in and was snoring softly.

Glancing at the drawn curtains, Remus turned his attention back to his messy haired friend. “What’re you reading?”

“Nothing of particular interest,” James said smoothly, looking up at Remus, a slow grin spreading on his face. “Why? Getting impatient waiting for Pads to come out and dazzle us all with his barely decent bedwear?”

Remus flushed. “No, I-I just… The last time I saw you read a book that had nothing to do with school, it turned out to be Lily’s diary.” He paused. “That isn’t Lily’s diary, is it?”

“’Course not.” James closed the book, looking indignant. “She’s got a doozy of a hex on it now. Got blue pimples on my arse last time I even attempted to—”

“Nobody wants to hear about your arse, Prongs. They’re more interested in mine.”

Both boys turned to look towards Sirius who, to Remus’ great surprise, was actually dressed modestly for once. Instead of his usual boxers and, well, nothing else, he was wearing a pair of blue plaid pajama bottoms and a t-shirt Remus recognized as one he’d given Sirius for Christmas one year. It was a Muggle shirt reading ‘Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy’.

It had taken him nearly three hours to explain the perversity of the shirt to Sirius and the boy had been in love with it ever since. This was the first time Remus had seen him wear it at Hogwarts, though.

Remus was about to inquire as to an explanation when Sirius hopped onto his bed and cleared it all up for him. “Hey, Moony. Are you a cowboy? Can I save a horse?”

Remus calmly shifted until his legs were bent at the knee behind Sirius, then swiftly kicked the boy off the bed, smirking when he landed with a thud on the floor. James cracked up as Sirius began to sputter indignantly, getting to his feet and looking at Remus with a small huff. Remus looked up to give James an exasperated look, but the boy had reopened his book and was scribbling away again. By the time Remus looked back at Sirius, the boy was looking at him through narrowed eyes that still managed to look mischievous and teasing.

“Merlin, you’re touchy. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?” Sirius asked so seriously that Remus almost believed him for a moment, his cheeks beginning to turn pink, before James began to snicker and Remus realized that it was just another line.

He flopped down onto his side, his back to Sirius. “Goodnight, Prongs. ‘Night, Padfoot.”

Sirius’ idea of saying goodnight (“Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?”) only served to make Remus even more determined to ignore the boy and he closed his curtains, curling up under his blankets and closing his eyes.

He heard James chuckle again and a bit of shuffling, along with the creaking of bed springs signifying that Sirius had gotten into bed, before the lights were extinguished and the room fell into darkness. James and Sirius said goodnight to each other and Remus just curled into an even tighter ball, sighing lightly, but not loud enough to be heard.

For somebody who claimed to be courting him, Sirius sure seemed to be doing a horrible job of it. It seemed to Remus that all Sirius wanted was a good fuck which, for some reason, he seemed to think he’d find in Remus.

Nevermind how insane that was. What really bothered Remus was not only the fact that Sirius wanted to get in his pants, but the way Sirius was attempting to do so. For Merlin’s sake, ”I miss my teddy bear? Can I sleep with you?” What the hell?

Things were quiet outside his cocoon of curtains and Remus finally allowed himself to relax. If only he could make sense of Sirius Black. But who was he to think he could? Millions (with the exception of James Potter, but Remus wasn’t counting him) had tried and failed. They were probably handing out Nobel Prizes for that sort of thing.

Remus was so busy entertaining himself with the thought of accepting an award for being the first human to make sense of Sirius Black that he didn’t notice when his curtains slid apart just wide enough to admit another person.

That is, until said other person tugged him over onto his back and straddled him, pinning his arms above his head.

Remus’ eyes widened. “Sirius? What are you doing?”

Sirius leaned forward until their breaths were mingling. Remus shivered.

“Let’s bypass all the bullshit and just get naked.”


End Part I


Part II

[User Picture]From: remisiriusblack
2006-05-12 12:36 pm (UTC)
Um yah... I'd say you siriusly need to continue and excellent job on the contest... doubt I'll do as good. xDDD!
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[User Picture]From: sara_shunu
2006-05-12 03:00 pm (UTC)
OMG. This is extremely funny! I really love this. I second the "you seriously need to continue"
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[User Picture]From: sara_shunu
2006-05-15 06:06 am (UTC)
*squeals and squirms, awaiting the second half* I really love your writing style. you have wonderful ideas!
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[User Picture]From: merely_a_facade
2006-05-12 04:32 pm (UTC)
I love this to pieces. ♥ I love how you manage to incorporate the pickup lines. [:

note to self: add to memories + rec.

Can't wait for the next part.
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From: (Anonymous)
2006-05-14 05:56 pm (UTC)
...Hilarious. I love it.
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[User Picture]From: kageling
2006-05-14 11:09 pm (UTC)
Oh cuuuute. ;O; Do continue~
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[User Picture]From: puppetslove
2006-05-15 05:19 pm (UTC)

Gotta Love Lame Pick-up Lines

Oh ma gosh!!! I totally loved this and thought it hilarious. My fav part was :: Sirius’ hand found his thigh and the boy was leaning over to whisper, “Baby, I'm an American Express lover... You shouldn't go home without one!”:: I nearly peed my pants laughing. Great Job!!! cant wait for more.
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[User Picture]From: almostlifesized
2007-02-14 09:58 pm (UTC)
Aww, I can't open the next part! *cries*

I love the way Remus at first didn't understand what Sirius was on about xD

"Remus’ eyes widened to almost comic size. His cheeks immediately flushed with embarrassment – or anger or indignation or some emotion he’d identify once Sirius. Moved. His. Hand. " Hahaha, brilliance. I loved the gravy-threat as well.
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