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30 Pickups

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Thirty Lines [May. 17th, 2006|10:22 pm]
30 Pickups


[Current Mood |creativecreative]

Title: Thirty Lines
Rating: Rish
Summary: When Sirius suddenly decides he wants Remus to be his ‘strumpet of love’, Remus’ sixth year at Hogwarts inexplicably turns into a haze of confusion, raw lust, and really bad pickup lines. [SiriusRemus]
Author: otempora01
Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter, there would be, like, no dispute over whether or not Remus and Sirius were/are gay with each other. Oh, and Tonks in love with Remus? That would go in my trash compactor, okay?
Author’s Note: Written for the 30 Pickups Contest/Challenge. Basically, you were supposed to choose one of the thirty pickup lines and use it in a fanfiction. But I couldn’t decide between them so I decided to use ‘em all. I hope that’s alright. This is Part II. Which is… slightly smuttier than part one. So, uh, don’t tell my parents. As a matter of fact, don’t tell your parents. As a matter of fact… I never wrote this. Yes. Even more un-beta'd than the first part.

Part I


PART II - And I Will Get Close To You


Sirius was doomed.

He knew it from the first moment he heard Remus say, “And then I read this book in the library called…” and, rather than being bored out of his mind for the next hour and a half, had found it inexplicably sexy to watch Remus babble on and on about gnome wars and the history of magic.

And sexy wasn’t a word he would have typically used to describe Remus Lupin. Awkward was the more accurate one.

But, as his state of doomedness increased, Sirius even began to find that sexy.

Remus seemed to be completely unaware that Sirius, when it came right down to it, wanted to pin him to a mattress, cover him in the syrup he was forever getting stuck on his top lip at breakfast, and fuck him until he couldn’t walk straight for a year while simultaneously enjoying a Remus Breakfast Buffet.

But that was okay, because he and James and Peter had figured that Remus was asexual anyway. Sirius, on the other hand, was not.

He was a growing boy. With needs. And he needed Remus. Which was okay, because he didn’t need Remus. As long as he didn’t, then he could fantasize all he wanted about screwing Remus without thinking anything of it except, “Too bad that’s never going to happen.”

And then, Remus had a nightmare.

Sirius had been in the middle of a rather engaging dream in which he and Remus were wrestling in a giant bowl of whipped cream, absolutely starkers, when he’d felt something warm sliding into his bed and had reluctantly opened his eyes to see none other than Remus arranging himself into a comfortable position next to him.

”Uh, Moony?” Sirius had asked, blinking slightly. “You do realize that your bed is over there, right?” It was then that he’d realized that Remus was shaking and, when Remus had looked up at him in the darkness of the room, that he was crying. Sirius had instinctively pulled him closer, wrapping his arms platonically around Remus’ waist. “What happened?”

Remus had shaken his head and taken a deep breath before coughing out, “Nightmare. All of you were… dead and I was the one who’d… the wolf in me had… it could come true, Sirius. I could—I would—”

“No,” Sirius had said firmly, holding Remus that much tighter. “No, you wouldn’t. And anyway, Prongs, Wormtail, and I have more sense than to come near you when you’ve transformed. At least, not while we’re human.”

Remus had buried his face against Sirius’ chest and had began to cry softly while Sirius, at a loss for what to do or say, had began to rub small circles on Remus’ back. He normally hated it when people cried, especially around him, but this was Remus. Seeing Remus cry was more… heartbreaking than irritating.

When Remus had fallen asleep, Sirius had stayed up, staring at the canopy and absently brushing his fingers through Remus’ hair. He’d smiled, “Well, shit.”

That was the night Sirius Black had fallen in love with Remus Lupin.

That was also the morning James had taken the mickey out of him for getting Remus into bed so quickly, a comment which had caused Remus to blush and not talk to Sirius all day. But Sirius hadn’t been able to stay mad at James for long. After all, James fully supported his crush on Remus. He even tried to help him when he could.

And it was because of him that they’d gotten the book.

Remus looked as though he was going to start hyperventilating. Sirius, whose eyes were dark with lust, leaned down and buried his face against Remus’ throat, flicking his tongue out to brush teasingly along the skin. Remus was making rather delightful noises that only served to make Sirius even more turned on than he was already and he almost regretted wearing so much to go to bed.

Clothes were such a waste of time when you didn’t plan to stay in them.

Remus gasped as Sirius sucked lightly at the nape of his neck. “Sirius—no—stop—please—”

“Sex is a killer,” Sirius said distractedly, not pausing in his task. “Wanna die happy?”

Sirius,” the groan released was definitely not one of immense and overwhelming pleasure, as it should have been. This was unacceptable. “Sirius, I am going to kick you off in five seconds.”

Sirius pulled back a moment to examine Remus’ face. The boy’s cheeks were flushed and he was breathing more erratically than usual. Sirius smirked. “No, you’re not.”

“No, I’m not,” Remus agreed easily. “But I’m going to think angry thoughts about you if you don’t stop with those stupid… stupid pickup lines. Is that how you get all of your conquests?”

Sirius bit him, eliciting another gasp. “You are not a conquest. I just happen to love you, Remus Lupin. Now. Wanna fuck like bunnies?”

Remus didn’t answer, couldn’t, Sirius assumed, because Sirius was keeping him rather preoccupied what with his mouth concentrated on creating a mark by Remus’ collarbone.

Sliding upward, and well aware that Remus could feel every inch of him moving, Sirius kissed the sensitive spot by Remus’ ear. “I'll suck you so hard you'll have to pick the sheets out of your ass when I'm finished.”

“You just want to—God,” Remus breathed as Sirius slid his hands under the boy’s shirt. Smirking slightly, Sirius then slid up Remus’ body, leaning down for a kiss.

However, Remus turned his head to the side, causing Sirius’ lips to graze his cheek instead. Confused, Sirius pulled back slightly.


“You just want to,” Remus said, his voice surprisingly stable. “You just want to get in my pants, Sirius. So don’t bother kissing me. I might think that it,” He swallowed. “That it means something.”

Sirius stared at him, his face extremely confused. “Moony—”

“I’m tired. Maybe we should just go to bed.”

“Remus,” Sirius tried again, but he could tell, as far as Remus was concerned, the conversation was closed. Sighing, Sirius unpinned Remus’ arms and slowly got off him. “Okay.”

Sirius heard Remus take a deep, shaky breath as he climbed out of the bed and crept back over to his own, his head swimming with confusion. He thought of going back to Remus’ bed, demanding that the boy listen to him and hear it out, but that wouldn’t solve anything. Not with Remus. Not tonight.

Not tonight.

“So, he just blew you off?” James asked a week later, when Sirius and Remus were finally able to look at each other without blanching and Sirius was finally ready to talk about it. They were sitting under a tree by the lake, cutting Arithmacy once again, Sirius glaring moodily out at the lake while James flipped through the pages of Perfect Lines, a book of effective Muggle pickup lines.

Sirius sighed. “Yeah. He said I was just trying to get in his pants.”

“Figures, since Pete went and put the idea in his head.” James said sympathetically. “I guess you’re pretty horny right now, then, aren’t you?”

“Unless you’re offering to do something about it, shut the hell up, Prongs.”

“Sorry, Padfoot, but I happen to be a one woman man.” James sighed in that idiotically lovesick way that he was accustomed to sighing in whenever someone mentioned that girl. ”And that woman is—”

“Lily Evans, the future Mrs. Potter, the love of your life, the fire of your loins, and the pain in my ass. Could you shut up about her for one second and focus on me and my problems?” Sirius snapped.

James huffed. “You’re a real bastard when you don’t get laid.”

“Thanks,” Sirius said sarcastically. “What am I going to do about Remus? He doesn’t seem to appreciate any of those pickup lines. Muggles seem like rather stupid people to me.”

“But Remus likes them—the Muggles, that is—and that’s what’s important. Besides, the book is guaranteed or your money back.” James dangled the book in front of Sirius. “And you did get somewhere that night, didn’t you?”

“I guess…”

James punched him in the arm. Hard. “Then stop being such a pessimist. You only have thirteen more lines left and then Moony’s guaranteed to fall into your arms, fluttering and whimpering like the little girl he is.”

“You make me feel like a pedophile when you say things like that,” Sirius said, rubbing his arm and grinning. “But thanks, mate.”

“Hey, I help you now and then I never have to hear about your sex life again. I’d say it’s a pretty fair deal.”

Sirius laughed. “I’d say you’re probably right.”

“Speaking of me being right, which is all the time,” James said suddenly, ignoring the snort Sirius released. “I think I’ve got an idea that’ll prove to you that Moony really does fancy you. Thank Merlin Evans has been tutoring during dinner this week…”

If this were with anyone else, Remus notwithstanding, Sirius would be completely disgusted. But the fact of the matter was that he’d seen James naked plenty of times (too many, if you asked him) and had hit on him, platonically, more often than that, so this was a breeze for him.

Besides, Remus looked about ready to stab one or both of their eyes out with his little silver spoon which, Sirius assumed, was a good thing.

Still, he pretended he hadn’t noticed and instead draped an arm around James’ shoulder, leaning forward to say in a whisper-that-was-not-a-whisper-since-he-knew-everybody-could-hear, “Mean people suck, nice people swallow. I’m nice.”

Peter choked on his pumpkin juice. Remus’ mouth curved into a very thin line, but, other than that, he made no sign that he was acknowledging either Sirius or James.

“I suppose this means you wanna go 50-50 on a rape charge, then, eh, Pads?” James asked, fluttering his eyelashes in a girlish manner and pushing Sirius away playfully. “People can see, you old charmer, you.”

“I hardly call what he’s saying charming,” Remus said, his voice quiet and cold, though it was apparent that he had been trying to mask it. “In fact, it’s extremely irritating and I’m trying to eat here—”

“Brighten up, Moony,” Sirius replied cheerfully. “You know what they say. Life is like a dick. When it gets hard, fuck it!”

Peter looked at Sirius and James. “So, are you two dating now or something?”

“Doubtful.” Remus said, taking a sip of his pumpkin juice. “Probably shagging.”

Peter blinked. “But I thought he wanted yo—”

Remus stuffed a roll of bread in Peter’s mouth and went back to drinking his pumpkin juice. Sirius and James looked at each other, having a silent conversation.

James brushed a lock of hair away from his forehead. (Translation: “He’s so jealous.”)

Sirius coughed. (Translation: “You’re brilliant, mate.”)

The corner of James’ lip quirked upwards. (Translation: “Oh, I know. Now, hurry up before he starts thinking you’re over him.”)

Sirius glanced up quickly, then back at James. (Translation: “Right.”)

Conversation finished, they both went back to eating, noticing the stare Remus was giving them and ignoring it with a sense of pride and mild satisfaction. Sirius smirked. “Hey, Moony?”

“If I answer you, are you going to proposition me with another stupid pickup line?”



“I’m on top of things. Want to be one of them?” Sirius asked, his smirk deepening. Remus scowled at him—yet looked oddly relieved, he couldn’t help but notice—and rolled his eyes.

“No, thanks, I’m good.” Remus said with a ghost of a smile.

Sirius leaped onto his bed, a sheet tied around his neck like a cape. Making sure he was facing both Remus and James’ bed simultaneously, he proudly announced, “Hello, I'm a thief and I'm here to steal your heart and your virginity!”

Remus and James exchanged glances.

Peter looked at them, then at Sirius. “Uh, which one were you talking to, Padfoot?”

“Which one wants to go first?” Sirius asked, jumping from his bed to Remus’ and landing on top of the boy in a mess of tangled legs and aching muscles. Remus gasped, tilting his head back against the bed to look at James.

“Help?” He begged in a small voice. James laughed, shaking his head.

“Better you than me, Moony.”

“Sirius, get off me.”

Sirius laughed, now clinging to Remus like a second skin, his fingers running over the boy’s sides as he sought out each and every single ticklish spot while Remus convulsed in laughter under him. “I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?”

“Get off!” Remus choked out, squirming.

“Can I flirt with you?”


“Help the homeless! Take me home with you.”


“Be unique and different, say yes!”

“NO!” Remus cried, flipping them over and grinning breathlessly down at Sirius. The dark-haired boy grinned back at him, eyes even more mischievous than usual. Remus reached down, untying the sheet from around Sirius’ neck and tossing it to the side, then leaning down, his mouth opening a bit as he began to say something.

“How long are you two going to sit there staring at each other?” Peter asked curiously. Remus turned a bright red and scrambled off Sirius, his foot pushing at Sirius’ leg as an obvious demand to remove himself from the bed immediately. James pegged a pillow in Peter’s direction, which the boy ducked and threw back. Sirius merely sighed.

“Guess we’d all better turn in for bed then.” He said as he got up, picking up his sheet. “Night Rem, Jamie, Pete.”

“Night, Pads.” James responded, arranging his pillow on the bed, removing his glasses, and laying down.

“Night, Sirius.” Peter said with a wide yawn.

Remus, whose face had returned to its normal color, bit his lip pensively for a moment, looking down. “Goodnight, Sirius.”

Sirius got into bed, closing the curtains, buried his face in the pillow and screamed mutely.

Remus looked rather sexy when he was sweaty and dirty.

One never got to see Remus Lupin sweaty and dirty very often. Remus Lupin didn’t get sweaty and dirty. Remus Lupin was impeccably dressed, carefully cleaned, and constantly disinfected. Remus Lupin was the sexy white boy version of Mr. Clean. With hair.

However, in Care of Magical Creatures, what with the magical creatures they had to care for being potentially dangerous and such, Remus Lupin had no choice but to get sweaty and dirty. And Sirius fucking loved it.

“Wipe up that pile of drool before Moony notices you checking out his arse, Pads.” James teased as the other boy passed him, sleeves rolled up, sweater vest and robes discarded, dirt all over his face and in his hair and on his arms, but not looking anywhere near as sexy as Remus, who was in a similar state, bent over by a tree.

“I love Bowtruckles. Brilliant creatures, they are,” Sirius said blissfully, watching as Remus tumbled backwards into the dirt of the forest floor again to avoid having his eyes stabbed out by one and attracting the attention of the teacher.

“You wouldn’t love them if you actually tried catching one instead of trying to stare your way into Moony’s pants.” James replied, shaking his head with a laugh and going back to work. Sirius rolled his eyes. As if he would risk his beautiful eyes getting stabbed out for a stupid Bowtruckle. Then how could he admire Remus’ innate beauty?

He came out of his thoughts just in time to notice Remus jogging towards him, slightly out of breath and, if possible, even dirtier than before. The boy made a face.

“I feel disgusting.” He said with an almost pained groan. “I desperately need a bath. Or five.”

“I’ve got an idea,” Sirius couldn’t resist saying. “What do you say we go behind that rock and get a little bolder?”

Remus laughed. “Maybe later. Help me?” He gestured behind him at the Bowtruckle still defending its tree.

Sirius paused. Hm. Get dirty with Remus or be clean by himself? No contest, especially when he put it like that. “Let’s do it.”

Remus smiled, then rubbed his hands together and led Sirius back over towards the tree where the Bowtruckle resided. Sirius had to narrow his eyes and really look for a moment to see it, but, once he did, he grimaced. It figured Remus would go for the one who’d grown to the maximum eight inch height.

“Where’s your woodlice?” Sirius asked, glancing at Remus.

Remus shrugged. “Wormtail took it for his Bowtruckle. And he still didn’t manage to get enough wood before the woodlice was finished.”

“Great. Guess we’ll just have to do without, then.” Sirius braced himself, glancing at Remus. “Okay, I’ll distract it, you get the wood. Okay?”

“Okay, but what if—”

“Don’t worry about me. I’d be an even bigger embarrassment to the Black family name if I let an eight inch bug kill me.” Sirius said with a wild grin.

Remus half-smiled. “It’s a Bowtruckle, not a bug. And you’re not an embarrassment.” Sirius blinked as Remus leaned up and kissed the cleanest part of his cheek, pulling away with a blush that Sirius could see even under all the grime.

Sirius smiled. “Thanks.”

Remus stayed behind to help the teacher collect the wood and, waving James and Peter off, Sirius stayed to wait for him. It wasn’t long before the boy finished and trudged back over to his friend, rubbing the side of his head with a shy grin before realizing his hands were filthier than his head was and dropping it with a frown.

“I hate this class,” Remus declared as they began walking back towards the school. “I hate being—”

“Dirty. I know.” Sirius finished for him, both his and Remus’ bags slung over his shoulder. “Don’t worry. We’ll go right in and take a bath. Together.”

“That would conserve time and water.” Remus mused. “And you do look good when you’re wet and naked.”

Sirius stumbled, gaping at Remus openly for a moment before the boy began to laugh and Sirius realized he’d been had. He huffed, pretending to be insulted. “Getting my hopes up like that is in no way amusing, Moony.”

Remus wrinkled his nose, grinning. “Except that it is.”

“I’m not talking to you anymore.” Sirius announced, storming towards the castle with Remus right behind him, stifling snickers. Holding his head up high, Sirius kept walking.

By the time they had reached the stairs, Remus seemed to have some control over himself. Sirius did the polite thing and held open the door with another huff to make sure Remus knew they were still not on speaking terms and finally looked at the boy.

Remus was smirking, an expression so out of place on his face that Sirius was thrown for a moment. He was even more thrown by what Remus said next.

“If I followed you home, would you keep me?”

Without waiting for a response, Remus’ cheeks turned pink and he laughed awkwardly, dashing past Sirius, into the school, and up the stairs to the Gryffindor common room. Sirius stared after him mutely.

If I followed you home, would you keep me?

“Hell yes.” He breathed out, a bit too late, a smirk of his own making its way onto his face. “Bloody hell, yes.”

Sirius found Remus in the shower. Well, okay, not really found since Remus wasn’t lost in the first place. If he was, Sirius would have been searching for him frantically, not standing by the door of the showers and wringing his hands.

He could hear shuffling outside and couldn’t help but grin at what a good friend James was to man the door with Peter for him. Of course, there’d be no need to man the door if Sirius was actually doing something. Which he wanted to—oh, did he want to—but he well remembered what had happened last time he’d made a move on Remus…

Then again, Remus hadn’t exactly been well-receiving of his pickups then. Now he seemed to have accepted that Sirius wasn’t going to stop until…

Until… well… this happened. Whatever this was. He couldn’t believe that he, of all people, was nervous of joining Remus in his bath. He certainly knew how he felt. But how did Remus feel? What if he’d just been toying around with him? But Remus wouldn’t—


Sirius blinked out of his trance only to realize that he was too late. Remus was finished was now standing by the showers, a towel wrapped around his waist. He looked confused, his cheeks a light pink.

“Sirius, what are you doing in here? Was I taking too long?” He asked, looking so adorable that all of Sirius’ nervousness just faded away.

“No, I—” Sirius began, then stopped, biting his lip and looking over Remus pensively. “Moony, I—we—are we—”

Remus stared at him.

Clearing his throat, Sirius tried again, “Can I… Can I kiss you?”

“Can you—wha?” Remus repeated, eyes getting wide.

“Kiss you…”

“I… er…” There was a long pause during which Sirius had ample time to listen to his heart pound before Remus gave an almost imperceptible nod. “Sure. But—”

“But what?” Sirius asked, wanting to ensure that Remus was completely ready for this before he made his room.

Remus looked at him shyly. “What about James?”

“Fuck James.” Sirius said, ignoring the indignant ‘Oi!’ that sounded from the other side of the door as he stepped forward, his hands coming up to hold Remus’ head in place as he pressed their lips together. He took it slow and soft, not wanting to scare Remus off. However, leaving appeared to be the last thing on Remus’ mind as the boy whimpered and pressed closer, hands grabbing a fistful of Sirius’ shirt.

He immediately let go, stepping back with a disgusted sound. “Sirius, you’re filthy.” Remus tittered, grinning at the surprised and mournful look on Sirius’ face. “You need a shower.”

“Are you coming with me?” Sirius asked hopefully.

Remus blushed.

Smiling in understanding, Sirius leaned forward and kissed Remus one more time. “I’ll meet you in the common room.”

“Sirius—” Remus began, then shook his head and returned the kiss. “I… er…”

“Yeah.” Sirius grinned. “Me, too.”

“Padfoot?” Sirius heard James say. “Remember when we agreed that if I helped you, I would never have to hear about your sex life again?”

Sirius paused. “Vaguely, yes. That was practically a year ago.”

“Practically. Now, if I’d have known that I would have to listen to you and Remus snog and whatever else it is you’re doing in there, I swear I would have killed you right then and there to save my sanity.”

Grinning, Sirius slid his hands out from under Remus’ shirt. “What’re you complaining about? You have that trollop now, don’t you?”

“Evans—I mean, Lily—is not a trollop. And we know how to use a Silencing Charm. Ever heard of it?”

“You can’t hear Silencing Charms, James. That’s the point.” Remus spoke up at last, reaching up to rest a hand at the back of Sirius’ neck and pull the boy down into another long kiss. They heard a muffled curse.

“I’m going to go find Wormtail. You two just… just… yeah.”

Sirius arranged himself into a more comfortable position, pressing a kiss to Remus’ cheek. Remus smiled, groping blindly about the bed sheets until he located his wand and using it to cast the Silencing Charm James had so politely asked for.

“Speaking of that,” Remus said, tracing the line of Sirius’ spine with a finger, his hand quite content in its place under Sirius’ shirt. “Where did you two get that book of pickup lines, anyway?”

“Prongs’ Dad gave it to us. Said it was how he snagged Mrs. Potter,” Sirius responded lazily, resisting the urge to shake his leg as Remus moved to scratch behind his ear. “Very funny.”

Remus snickered. “I thought so. I can’t believe you really used all of them. That’s an odd combination of sweet, pathetic, and creepy.”

“I didn’t use all of them. Skipped one.” Sirius sighed, brushing his lips across Remus’ cheek again. “Just one.”

“Oh? And which one is that?”

“You don’t want to know.”

Sirius didn’t have to look up to know that Remus was raising an eyebrow at him and preparing to lightly pester him until he revealed the last pickup line. Just being able to know that without looking up made Sirius feel like grinning goofily, just like he had for a week after he and Remus had snogged quite passionately in the aftermath of his shower. By now, he should have been used to it.

“Yes, I do,” Remus said a moment later. “What was it? Particularly vulgar, then?”

“Precisely, my dear, Moony.” Sirius slid down Remus’ body, brushing his hand lightly over Remus’ crotch. “’I want to floss with your pubic hair’.”

Remus seemed to simultaneously gasp and snort—an odd sound. “That’s disgusting.”

“I had a feeling you’d feel that way.” Sirius’s hand rubbed harder. “Which is why I didn’t say it.”

“Th-Thanks for—God, Sirius—thinking of me… mmm…”

“Always, Remus. Always.” Sirius unbuckled the belt on Remus’ pants, delighting in the small, shuddery breaths the boy was taking, and leaning upwards to kiss Remus softly. “Love you.”

“Love you, too.” Remus gasped out. “Now shut up and fuck me.”



[User Picture]From: random_moe
2006-05-18 02:54 am (UTC)


beautiful. heheh. the first part was awesome. the second part was awesome. whew! was so cute and adorable and *melts into a giant pile of goo* very very good. The Remus was perfect, and The Sirius was perfect, hell The James was perfect too. outstanding!
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[User Picture]From: otempora01
2006-05-18 02:56 am (UTC)

Re: *dies*

XDD Thanks. I love the three of them. Peter not so much, but he wasn't evil back them so I kind of just made him the tagalong, as I'm sure you noticed. >_>
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